I have a lot to say these days. But, you'd never know it from my blog updates. I just never have the chance to write it down. Or I get too overwhelmed by too many things to say, too many directions that I could take any given entry. So, I'm just going to write. Today, I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising my children. I am completely disappointed in myself and my lack of patience, kindness, and caring towards my toddler. And embarrased at the realization that many times I'm way too hard on Daniel. I think I expect too much of him sometimes. I found myself saying to him this morning, as I was trying to hustle him out of the house to Mother's Day Out "Come on, I know you can concentrate better than this because you're ...." and then I thought, how should that sentence end? "Because you're two?" Yeah, cause we all know two year olds are known for their ability to concentrate on complex tasks. Sometimes I feel so bad that I can't devote more time to him and just him. And other times I feel so guilty for not oohing and aahing over every little thing that Georgia does. Sometimes I feel like they get so little of me, that neither one of them really get what they need. Which ushers in the mother guilt of having my kids so close together. I guess this is where the casual observer might say "I told you so" and where all heads will start to wag at the fact that we broke the sacred rule of 2.5-3 year child spacing. Yeah , yeah, I know. I thought it might be slightly easier by now, but the truth is, it never gets easier. It just gets different. The difficulties rearrange themselves, but the level of constant work, of feeling like my head is barely above water, its, well, constant. Ah, I had so much to say. But the non-napping 2 yr old has started throwing cars in his room which has woken up the very miserable 10 month old. And the fun begins again.

Bye-bye creative outlet

I'm supposed to be acting right now. The most fun theatre event of the year, in my opinion, is happening right now. Slapdash Flimflammery is in full swing at the present moment and I'm having to sit it out. Why? Sick kid. Yeah, yeah, I know it goes with the whole "mom"territory. But I absolutely hate backing out of things at the last minute. Yesterday morning he spent many many hours crying hysterically because he felt bad, then he turned white as a sheet because his fever shot up, and then the crowning glory was when he threw up all over the place at the doctor's office. Poor guy. That was when I knew I had to tell the rest of the gang to bring in an alternate for me. I'm so glad I made that decision, because although his temperature was down and he felt better this morning, this afternoon it spiked up crazy high again- like well over 104 this time. Scary. I think its going down now, but to see my little man so lethargic, glassy eyed and miserable was horrible. It would have been even worse if I'd been in rehearsals and had no way to come comfort him. Would he have lived without me? Probably, although he wouldn't have been very happy about it. The few times he's been sick, he won't let anyone but me do anything for him. Even grandma comes in a distant second to mom. And who can blame him, really. I feel the same way when I'm sick, to this day.

Honestly, no one will probably miss me that much as an actor. I know that there are a gazillion other people with more experience than me who also wanted to take part in the show, so its not like I left some gaping hole that no one else could fill. Its more that being in the show was important to me. I really love theatre. And it sucks because I feel like its hard to show how much I love it because my ability to go out and see or do theatre is restricted by family life. Of course, I could always go out and see shows, but it would have to be without Sean, because we don't have the dough to pay our babysitters above and beyond what is necessary on a weekly basis while I'm teaching. And I really hate going and doing stuff without my better half.

It's hard because about the same time I was invited along to take part of LGT's theatrical hijinks, I got pregnant. And so, instead of being able to really jump in and be invovled and learn stuff, I've been either pregnant or tethered to a nursing infant ever since I joined LGT. As a consequence I sometimes still feel like more of a groupie than an actual bona fide member. There's a lot of things I'd like to do. I really really really like acting. Last year during slapdash, being onstage in my scene was just incredible. I mean, I already knew I like being onstage playing music, but this was so different, so fun, almost relaxing in a wierd way. I wasn't nervous at all, which is very different from how I feel when playing piano. I would like to do more. But again, that whole "mother of two" thing kinda cramps your style, especially when you want to get more involved in something that you have little experience with. Sometimes I feel like me saying I want to act, or direct, or write is a little like one of my theatre compatriots saying that they want to play Lizst or perform a Rachmaninoff concerto- without having ever taken piano lessons.

I just wish I had time. Or that I could make peace with being away from my family as much as I'd have to if I really went for it. Learning a craft takes time and energy, two things that are in very short supply with me right now. I just hope that those who know me best know that I want to make art as much as they do, but I'm just struggling with that whole family vs. art thing. I'm trying to find a balance, but its just not happening yet.

Change is coming....

I've been trying to gather my thoughts to write about Obama's election. There is so much I want to say, its a challenge to get it all out in a somewhat coherant fashion.

I am so proud of my country right now. For the first time in several years, I can look at our flag and feel pride, feel like I, too, have a voice.

The past eight years I have been apalled by the United State's actions around the world and at home. I have been angered and confused at the way our "leaders" (and I use that term loosely) have thrown their weight around in foreign lands like playground bullies, while ignoring the basic needs and basic rights of the people in our own country.

More than anything, I am amazed and thankful that the American people had the courage to elect the right person. Now, I'm not saying that McCain was a bad person, or an evil person (like a certain Mr. Cheney). He just wasn't the right person for this moment in history. We now have a leader who is truly a leader. Who has the capacity to inspire, to lift people up, to compel them to reach out to one another and work together for a common goal. There was a reason why his campaign was successful that had nothing to do with money or political insiders. He moved people. The lady with whom I did leaflet distribution on election day was one of those people. She told me about how she's gone on two road trips to New Mexico to talk to voters, had done hours of voter registration in East Austin, phone banking, you name it, she'd done it. And this was a person who, until this election, had never even been part of the political process. She'd never been involved in politics in any way. The American people have been hungry for a leader to help us find our way back to who we should be. We now have someone in office who says to us that it is our duty to take care of each other, that yes it does matter that people in our community are suffering. That if the least of us is hurting, it hurts all of us. That is huge. And it is that message that has resonated with so many people. It is that message that has mobilzed so many to get out and get involved. It is that message that transcended race and allowed so many people in this country to put aside their racist fears and vote what their conscience was telling them.

I feel there is hope for my children now. If we had lost this important race, how could I have looked them in the eye? How could I have explained to them that their country had failed once again? Now I have hope that they will look at their fellow Americans differently when they grow up. And I know that when a seat opens up for those who have been not invited to the table before, my children will have even more opportunities as well.

I am so proud, and so thankful that maybe everything will be all right after all.

She's crawling!!

Watch out world. Georgia's on the move now...

Have you done it yet?

Have you voted? If you are reading this, and you haven't voted yet, get yourself to your local polling place!!!! No excuses. Sure there may be long lines, sure you may have to wait to cast your ballot. But this is OUR democracy, this is OUR country and you can't let someone else speak for you! I hauled both my kids to the Travis County Democratic Headquarters today and headed out for distributing leaflets in South Austin. Now, if I can do that, I think everyone ought to be able to get out and vote!!

Okay, so we're having one of those days. You know the kind I'm talking about. Its 5:30, Georgia's just in a diaper (which she just figured out how to un-velcro), Daniel's just in undies. In the last hour and half, I've had finger paints smeared on me, been spit up on, got cactus under my shirt somehow, broke out in a rash, had dog bowl water spilled on me and my floor. We've been through one bath already. And now I'm sitting listening to my 2 yr old playing my $12,000 piano saying "This is a song about whiskey"

Now if that doesn't scare the pants off all of you, I don't know what will. Happy Halloween !

I hate bureaucracy!!!!!!

I'm so mad I could spit. I just got off the phone with the lovely folks at the Austin Municipal Court, and let me tell you, the mess they have me in takes the cake. I actually cannot believe I'm being subjected to this level of incompetence. Let's go back to the beginning of this debacle, shall we? Back in July I got a ticket. Yes, I was speeding. On my way to a doctor appointment, I might add. And yes, my registration was past due. I own up to the fact that I'm not terribly organized in that department and it caught up to me. Okay. So, I was eligible for a driver's safety course and all I had to do was renew that registration, get all the various proofs sent in by the court date, and all was good to go. Or so I thought. I did all of the above. Only, the highly intelligent police officer made two mistakes. One, he spelled my name wrong on the ticket. So, my name on my insurance AND my driver's liscense did not match the records. And two, he WROTE DOWN THE WRONG VIOLATION!! He supposedly wrote that my inspection was out of date, not my registration. How do you get something like that wrong?! How? Oh, but it gets better. The court supposedly sent out notices to me to get the paperwork they needed. I never recieved said notices. So, now the burden is on me to correct someone else's mistakes. I have to write letters to the judge, I have to show that my inspection was in fact current. All the while, Ms. Meanie Pants on the phone is acting like I'm some criminal and that I'm lying to her about the mistakes that she made. She actually had the nerve to say to me "Oh no, your inspection was out of date. I'm looking at the ticket. That's the truth." The truth?! That's the truth?! I'll tell her what the truth is. The truth is that it took me an entire afternoon of paying a babysitter to watch the kids while I ran all over town getting the paperwork together in the first place. And now I'm going to have to do all that again to clean up after an incompetent cop, incompetent legal system and an incompetent city government that doesn't even have enough phone lines so that it took 4 days for me to finally get through to a surly government employee. Our tax dollars at work, folks. Why can't I just live in Montana where there's no speed limit, no registration stickers and no inspection stickers either.