Bye-bye creative outlet

I'm supposed to be acting right now. The most fun theatre event of the year, in my opinion, is happening right now. Slapdash Flimflammery is in full swing at the present moment and I'm having to sit it out. Why? Sick kid. Yeah, yeah, I know it goes with the whole "mom"territory. But I absolutely hate backing out of things at the last minute. Yesterday morning he spent many many hours crying hysterically because he felt bad, then he turned white as a sheet because his fever shot up, and then the crowning glory was when he threw up all over the place at the doctor's office. Poor guy. That was when I knew I had to tell the rest of the gang to bring in an alternate for me. I'm so glad I made that decision, because although his temperature was down and he felt better this morning, this afternoon it spiked up crazy high again- like well over 104 this time. Scary. I think its going down now, but to see my little man so lethargic, glassy eyed and miserable was horrible. It would have been even worse if I'd been in rehearsals and had no way to come comfort him. Would he have lived without me? Probably, although he wouldn't have been very happy about it. The few times he's been sick, he won't let anyone but me do anything for him. Even grandma comes in a distant second to mom. And who can blame him, really. I feel the same way when I'm sick, to this day.

Honestly, no one will probably miss me that much as an actor. I know that there are a gazillion other people with more experience than me who also wanted to take part in the show, so its not like I left some gaping hole that no one else could fill. Its more that being in the show was important to me. I really love theatre. And it sucks because I feel like its hard to show how much I love it because my ability to go out and see or do theatre is restricted by family life. Of course, I could always go out and see shows, but it would have to be without Sean, because we don't have the dough to pay our babysitters above and beyond what is necessary on a weekly basis while I'm teaching. And I really hate going and doing stuff without my better half.

It's hard because about the same time I was invited along to take part of LGT's theatrical hijinks, I got pregnant. And so, instead of being able to really jump in and be invovled and learn stuff, I've been either pregnant or tethered to a nursing infant ever since I joined LGT. As a consequence I sometimes still feel like more of a groupie than an actual bona fide member. There's a lot of things I'd like to do. I really really really like acting. Last year during slapdash, being onstage in my scene was just incredible. I mean, I already knew I like being onstage playing music, but this was so different, so fun, almost relaxing in a wierd way. I wasn't nervous at all, which is very different from how I feel when playing piano. I would like to do more. But again, that whole "mother of two" thing kinda cramps your style, especially when you want to get more involved in something that you have little experience with. Sometimes I feel like me saying I want to act, or direct, or write is a little like one of my theatre compatriots saying that they want to play Lizst or perform a Rachmaninoff concerto- without having ever taken piano lessons.

I just wish I had time. Or that I could make peace with being away from my family as much as I'd have to if I really went for it. Learning a craft takes time and energy, two things that are in very short supply with me right now. I just hope that those who know me best know that I want to make art as much as they do, but I'm just struggling with that whole family vs. art thing. I'm trying to find a balance, but its just not happening yet.