Seriously?

Has it seriously been since March that I blogged? Wow, I'm much more of a slacker than I realized. Part of the problem with writing in the blog, for me, is that there are too many things I want to write about. So, instead of just knocking out the different topics as they come to me, I just end up keeping it bottled up in my head. But I'm feeling the need to purge these days.

So, what to write about first. Well, the biggest thing on my mind lately is Daniel. If you've ever been around Daniel any length of time, you probably notice he's a little.... quirky sometimes. And I say that with much love in my heart. I love his quirks, but it's always been something where Sean and I wondered whether they "meant" anything. As in, meant whether something developmentally was a little off. We'd have that conversation, that "what if" conversation, and then life would get in the way and we'd be preoccupied with other things (like having another child, dealing with aging parents, ect). But the conversation kept resurfacing.

So, on advice of his preschool teacher, we took Daniel to an occupational therapist who said that yes, he does have Sensory Processing Disorder. And yes, he will be going to occupational therapy for the forseeable future. I'm still not quite sure what this means for us. I've been reading a lot about this subject, in particular a book called "The Out of Sync Child". Its been a relief to know that I'm not just crazy for noticing these things that have always been a little "off", that all the things that have sent off the alarm in my gut have not been imagined. Its great that there's something I can do to help him. But its scary too. Its scary to have someone in the field mention "Asperger's" and "autism spectrum" in the same sentence as your child. And no, SPD is not any of those things, but some kids with Asperger's have SPD as well. But, just because you have SPD doesn't mean you have Asperger's. So, its scary AND confusing. I'm also scared that because he's been evaluated for one thing, that the "professionals" will want to evaluate him for other things, leading to more labels being applied to him.

And on top of all that, I get afraid of losing who he is. As crazy as it sounds, his quirkiness makes him who he is, its part of him. On a very irrational level, I have this fear that they're going to train the "Daniel-ness" out of him. I mean, if his quirkiness allows him to be so focused on letters and numbers, and drumming and listening to music, isn't that a good thing? Do I really want for him to be "normal"? Yes, and no. I want him to have the choice to read and count and drum. But I don't want it to be a compulsion. I want him to read if he wants to, but I also want him to be able to climb on a playscape without being terrified, to feel like he's able to join in with an activity with a group of kids. And I'm taking him to therapy because I know he desperately wants to do those things, but for whatever reason sometimes he just can't. even though he's only three, I'm already starting to see him getting looks from other kids on playgrounds. And I'm starting to get comments from other parents on playgrounds.

I know we all remember those kids from our childhood. The ones who just seemed different, who did stuff that we thought of as "wierd". Did they have SPD? Maybe, but a label for it didn't really exist when we were kids. But I do know how those kids were teased, and I can guess how they probably felt about themselves. Now, I want Daniel to be as brilliant, as amazing, as creative and unique as he is meant to be. But if there's a way that I can help him tear down that wall that keeps him from doing all the things that he wants to do, that wall that keeps his world smaller than it has to be, I'm going to do it.