A Day of Firsts

Daniel's little world just got a little bigger. Today was his first day of Mother's Day Out. Now, when I first entertained the idea of sending him to Mother's Day Out, shortly after Georgia was born, I had no idea it would feel like this. I had no idea it would feel so formal, so much like school. Yes, yes, I know its only 2 days a week, 4 hours each day. And as I look at my clock right now, I realized that in a little over an hour and a half it will be time to go pick him up. But it was still hard to leave him. He marched right in, found his cubby all on his own and put his backpack away. Then he helped me put his water bottle away. And then he took his little red square over to the puppet on the wall and said hi. And I was so proud of him. But when he realized that it was time for Mommy to leave, he just turned into one big bawling mess. The teacher scooped him up and started saying " Oh Daniel do you like playdough? Come one let's play with playdough!" As he was screaming. As I left, the only thing I could think of was "He doesn't like playdough, he likes cars and trucks! He won't stop crying until you show him the cars and trucks!" As we drove away, I kept thinking, how is he going to survive unless I'm there to tell everyone what he likes and doesn't like, only I know how to comfort him, only I know how to fix his lunch just so, only I know what kinds of things he can do and can't do.... But, that's where everything is going to be different from here on out. Now, he'll discover new things that he likes that I won't even know about until someone else tells me. He'll discover new abilities that he didn't even know he had, and he'll get to show me. Someone else will learn how this little guy ticks. I'm excited about that, truly I am. But its a little hard for this momma to let go.

I've been thinking a lot about this decision to put him in school. I hate to use the word "school", but that's what it is, for all intents and purposes. I've thought a lot about his personality, about how he can be so very shy and so hesitant to try new things. About how when presented with a room full of toys and potential playmates, he prefers to play with mommy. I give a lot of thought as to whether I'm helping him in those situations. Sometimes I see the patience with which other parents deal with those situations. Sometimes, with another baby in tow, I feel like patience is a luxury I don't have. I need for him to be independant sometimes, I need for him to do for himself. At least that's how it feels sometimes. But the other side of it is that I often have trouble empathizing with him. As a child, I was the one who ran off to play without one look back at mom. My mom always says that I didn't shed a tear my first day of preschool. My son and I couldn't be more different. I think this is partly why I get so exasperated with him sometimes. I look at a given situation and see fun!fun! fun! and he sees only things that frighten and intimidate him. I wish I knew how to show him the way. But maybe the answer is that someone else will have to teach him. I can teach him a lot of things, but I can't teach him everything. So, I hope that by opening his world up a little more, he'll see that other kids can be friends and other adults can be trusted to love and take care of him just like mommy. I have a feeling that he will grow into a little boy that I can't even imagine. But I know he'll be amazing and beautiful, just like he is today.